First of all I'm sad to say that all of my previous blogs are GONE. i got hacked and everything was deleted... including my old youtube and myspace accounts but whatever. it was for the best, to be quite honest.
i can assure you that my new blogs will be a bit different. i am glad to say that i am an entire different person than i was this time last year. i'm not too sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing yet but i'm goin' with it i guess. haha.
so i'll start my first blog there. my life... now!
well to say the least my life has taken quite a bit of abrupt turns this year.
last year i was very materialistic, self-centered, naive, and well... bitchy to say the least(again). and now i know for a fact that i have grown up allot this past year. i've done things i thought i'd never do in a million years. i can't name those things because about 95% of them are probably illegal on so many levels that amy winehouse would tell me i need help. haha. but anyways, this year i lost allot and yet gained just as much. it kinda evens i guess. i really don't know if i'm happy or not...? most of the time i feel great, like i have the world at my fingertips and i could do anything i wanted... and i could. i know that now, that's one of the things i've probably gained. but there are those tiny moments where i kinda start thinking about just how i really was a year ago. yeah, i may have been a conceited bitch... but at least i was happy. i mean, i never worked and i had allot of money, a car, a perfect boyfriend, i started modeling, i became more successful on youtube than i had ever... which i was proud of sadly enough. but i was happy, ya know? but then it all just kinda came to a halt.
i still didn't have a job, my thousands of dollars finally ran out, my car fucked up because i didn't pay attention to anything but the way i looked, my boyfriend and i broke up, which eventually led to drug use. so then my whole 'modeling' thing kinda went down the drain because i started not to care about ANYTHING... unless it was getting my high for that day. no matter what i had to use to get it.... i would!
and so that went on for... well to be honest i don't know how long. probably until almost two months ago. i don't know when the break up was or when i started doin' drugs and stuff because i was fucked up EVERY day. so i don't know how long it's been because i never looked at a calendar. EVER! i didn't give a fuck. i actually feel really bad that i don't even know how long i've been single thanks to the fact that i was too out of it to know the date. although i know this went on for... about... well haha i don't know. i thought i could guess but i have nooooo idea at all.
but anyways, i finally slowed down and the drugs are now gone. of course, i still smoke weed every now and then(better than 7 times a day like before) but i don't see that as a drug... but not many people do haha. but other than that, i'm good!
i'm finally about to have to get a job. i'm not too excited about it but i KNOW that it will be good for me. i'm ready to actually put forth the effort to make something of myself because once i thought about how all the adults in my family are how i once was... wether it be conceited & materialistic or living their life through drugs... i knew i didn't want to be or do any of those things. i wanted to be me. the new me, the stronger me, and i can fuckin' finallllllly say THE REAL me! it took me a while to find myself and i know i've still got some growing and learning to do but that's part of life and i'm finally ready to continue to grow in any way that i can. because from where i stand now, things can only get better.
(and how i mentioned that i gained just as much as i've lost. the main thing to me is that i've learned to be modest, honest, and always see things in a more mature way. and i'm not full of myself either. yes, i have a fixed amount of confidence but i'm glad that now i actually DO think of others and i always try to put other people's thoughts and opinions into consideration, not just assume that i'm always right.)
i know that there are greater things to accomplish but FOR ME all of that is allot.
