Friday, October 2, 2009

Back To Blogging.

Well, I've decided that I'm gonna start blogging again. why the hell not?

First of all I'm sad to say that all of my previous blogs are GONE. i got hacked and everything was deleted... including my old youtube and myspace accounts but whatever. it was for the best, to be quite honest.

i can assure you that my new blogs will be a bit different. i am glad to say that i am an entire different person than i was this time last year. i'm not too sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing yet but i'm goin' with it i guess. haha.

so i'll start my first blog there. my life... now!

well to say the least my life has taken quite a bit of abrupt turns this year.

last year i was very materialistic, self-centered, naive, and well... bitchy to say the least(again). and now i know for a fact that i have grown up allot this past year. i've done things i thought i'd never do in a million years. i can't name those things because about 95% of them are probably illegal on so many levels that amy winehouse would tell me i need help. haha. but anyways, this year i lost allot and yet gained just as much. it kinda evens i guess. i really don't know if i'm happy or not...? most of the time i feel great, like i have the world at my fingertips and i could do anything i wanted... and i could. i know that now, that's one of the things i've probably gained. but there are those tiny moments where i kinda start thinking about just how i really was a year ago. yeah, i may have been a conceited bitch... but at least i was happy. i mean, i never worked and i had allot of money, a car, a perfect boyfriend, i started modeling, i became more successful on youtube than i had ever... which i was proud of sadly enough. but i was happy, ya know? but then it all just kinda came to a halt.

i still didn't have a job, my thousands of dollars finally ran out, my car fucked up because i didn't pay attention to anything but the way i looked, my boyfriend and i broke up, which eventually led to drug use. so then my whole 'modeling' thing kinda went down the drain because i started not to care about ANYTHING... unless it was getting my high for that day. no matter what i had to use to get it.... i would!

and so that went on for... well to be honest i don't know how long. probably until almost two months ago. i don't know when the break up was or when i started doin' drugs and stuff because i was fucked up EVERY day. so i don't know how long it's been because i never looked at a calendar. EVER! i didn't give a fuck. i actually feel really bad that i don't even know how long i've been single thanks to the fact that i was too out of it to know the date. although i know this went on for... about... well haha i don't know. i thought i could guess but i have nooooo idea at all.

but anyways, i finally slowed down and the drugs are now gone. of course, i still smoke weed every now and then(better than 7 times a day like before) but i don't see that as a drug... but not many people do haha. but other than that, i'm good!

i'm finally about to have to get a job. i'm not too excited about it but i KNOW that it will be good for me. i'm ready to actually put forth the effort to make something of myself because once i thought about how all the adults in my family are how i once was... wether it be conceited & materialistic or living their life through drugs... i knew i didn't want to be or do any of those things. i wanted to be me. the new me, the stronger me, and i can fuckin' finallllllly say THE REAL me! it took me a while to find myself and i know i've still got some growing and learning to do but that's part of life and i'm finally ready to continue to grow in any way that i can. because from where i stand now, things can only get better.

(and how i mentioned that i gained just as much as i've lost. the main thing to me is that i've learned to be modest, honest, and always see things in a more mature way. and i'm not full of myself either. yes, i have a fixed amount of confidence but i'm glad that now i actually DO think of others and i always try to put other people's thoughts and opinions into consideration, not just assume that i'm always right.)

i know that there are greater things to accomplish but FOR ME all of that is allot.

Monday, February 2, 2009

New Myspace & Youtube.

i got hacked & someone deleted everything i had.
people are jealous like that.


add me!